knocking...

People (well about two people, really no one else reads this thing!) keep telling me to blog... however, the longer i leave it, the more i feel that i should have something eloquent and interesting to say, which leads to never really blogging at all :)

So here i am, mini life update since March....

*I've two weeks left at my job in the Old Roan (and almost one week of that is on holiday too!!) I'm not sure how I'll feel once I've left, there are some massive things i won't miss, but some things i really will too... It's been 18 months of investing in young people and feeling like it hasn't really got us anywhere, but looking back, some real changes have occur ed. This Tuesday God really rewarded me with an awesome conversation with my one real success story... 

I set out 18 months or so ago with a plan to create strategy for the youth work at the church, to link the outreach and the Sundays, to create a situation where young people we meet off the streets can end up in the church and in a relationship with Jesus in a way that is easy for them to follow. And it's been so difficult. But this Tuesday i sat with this 14 year old girl, played connect four and we had an honest discussion about how we go about living for Jesus. I met her just over a year ago when her and her friend would come and drop in, giggle and leave at our youth drop in cafe. Now I've seen her  walk from there through a youth residential where she took the first steps towards exploring Christianity, a 4 months of a youth alpha course, a response at a youth event to the gospel and a year of chatting about mundane life things each week into being part of our church youth cell, reading her bible and exploring what it really means to be a Christian and thinking seriously about how she wants to go about it. God is good! 

But that doesn't mean it's not gutting to think of the others who didn't get it, who rejected it, or who generally just didn't really care. Its hard to walk away from some, knowing they need someone to walk through the next few yeas with them, and not knowing if anyone will do that. But I trust in a God who is much bigger than me and my little life plans, who's already got it sorted, and that's so exciting. 

*I'm travelling up and down the country at the moment, for meetings, GoldDigger things and most influentially, a boy. I love Spring Harvest, it's one of the best weeks of my year i think, and this year was topped off by meeting a pretty lovely guitar boy who i discounted for practicalities sake... he didn't, thankfully, and even though it makes my life pretty hectic at times, it's totally worth it right now. I have no real clue how this works in the future of course, but that's normally a good thing, it's when i start making plans that God changes everything anyway :) 

And he must be pretty special if i can manage to overlook the fact that he's a united fan... sheesh.

*I preached to a whole adult church last week for the first time... it was pretty darn scary actually, stepping out of my comfort zones in terms of content. Really being challenged at the moment on knowing my bible... and how little i do know in comparison. But i love really exploring things that God's done and continues to do, he's pretty clever really that God fella.

*I've nowhere to live in Sheffield yet, and not really anyway to pay to live either! But trusting it'll happen... sooner rather than later would be great though :) I'm excited about this season in my life, but also just being reminded that it really isn't about what we're DOING sometimes. 

I divide my life up so much into what I'm practically doing, and already I'm aware of wondering how long this season with GoldDigger will last in my life and what God will do next... but actually, these worries are so insignificant sometimes. Tonight we were looking at having a perspective of eternity, about how much the bible talks about watching and waiting for Jesus to come back. I spend so much of my time doing, i never stop and do any watching, and I'm pretty sure that's not something I'd want to miss... so whilst we work, its finding that good balance of doing the here and now and keeping our eyes focused on heaven, where in comparison, our stresses in life are so pathetic. 

So there lies a quick overview of my month or so, less ground breaking or emotionally put as usual, but still, writers block sometimes needs breaking. 

x

not quite the perfect year....

Wow... so i just read my old blog... realising that I haven't written anything in nearly 14 months... gosh how things have changed.

And i was all fired up to write something groundbreaking and reflective on the last year or so, until it took me over an hour to remember my log in details, (I didn't, i just reset in the end!) And now i'm not sure i'm feeling so empowered and literate :) SO we'll see what happens...

It's crazy to see the things that have changed since i last posted...

I'm coming to the end of the new job and new church this year, having learnt alot, been incredibly frustrated, cried a few times, made some quality friends, made myself an office, told alot of kids about jesus and realised that church based youth work is great... but isn't God's calling on my life right now.

The "wonderful" man who i couldn't imagine being without... well he walked away a while after i stopped blogging. And I've finally learnt to live with it and move on... feeling wiser and after a very very long time of being heartbroken, finally being able to trust that there's something better in store... that which only time will tell :) But i'm excited about the future and what it'll bring- i look forward to the day of reading this blog and laughing with the guy i'll marry about how much crap i talked about being "in love" before i met him! 

And the big main emphasis of the blog was Gurl... something which is probably the subconscious reason i stopped blogging. Weeks after my last post, it all kind of fell apart, leaving me pretty hurt and confused. 

I've spent the last year wondering what God's got for me, knowing where i was really wasn't IT, but not knowing where IT was and if i found IT, would they even want me. 

Well i think i might have found where God wants me to be for now... a prayer i've had for a long time... for a wandering scouser to get some roots for a little while. 

A few weeks ago i officially became the new member of GoldDigger... a girls ministry working with teenage girls, particularly through music and dance as part of its girlband. Looking back over this blog makes me realise how God's been getting me ready for this for so long, to sing, to dance, to minister to girls, to run events, to use the crazy amount of networking i do, to tell girls who are really hurting all about a God who thinks they're great just the way they are, and to empower them to be the girls they want to be, not what the media and boys and their friends tell them they should.

God's pretty awesome.

Amongst the massive changes, its fun to look back at the little things. Blogging about Heidi making pig noises... when now at nearly 3, she sits down and has a proper little conversation with me... and this week introduced me to her two day old sister... Violet. My prayer that these little girls, and the hundreds of teenagers i meet, will grow up to be confident, assured and complete women of God, understanding who he made them to be, and living in all the fullness of that. There's a good amount that we can do but its all worthless without God, and its all meaningless too... So God, i give it all to you again. May there be too many stories of transformation to tell in another years time.

Beths xx

(I may keep on blogging regularly though... so stay with us... and check out www.veryownlife.blogspot.com, its the GoldDigger supporter's blog).

Alot has happened in the last 4 months...

I can't believe it's this long since i blogged, but i just haven't felt like it for a while, and while becomes more than a while and well....

In some ways i feel like i've spent the last 4 months standing still, but on reflection, my life has changed so much since october, i'm not even sure where to begin! Since i last wrote, i've met a guy whose not only turned my world upside down and who i can't imagine ever being without, but who has also taught me to value myself and shown me what it's like to be loved and wanted, despite my massive faults and failings. Who stands and prays for me in a way i could have never imagined and who constantly encourages me to challenge everything i think. I've moved to a church whose vision blows me away, whose faith and commitment is only rivaled by their crazy belief in me as a youth worker, and the possibilities with working for them are scary but incredible too. My friendships have grown and changed, and i have a core of gorgeous people all over the country who i know accept me for who i am, and who will support and pray for me and i know i'll do the same. I've got incredible prospects coming up and i'm excited and scared all at once, but i trust God's got it all in his hands.
The other side is that the last few months have been at times, so so so lonely, and alot of the time, i feel like i've wasted the potential they held, and i've really struggled. Not only in not having anything to do, but in the way i feel about myself and the disbelief i have. I'm being challenged at the moment about how jesus says we should love others like ourselves, yet that's so difficult when you dislike the person you are so much. And i know some people will judge me for saying such a thing, and will think that i'm in no place to lead others when i dislike myself so much, but right now, i'm living in the promise of Hebrews 10, that by the sacrifice of Jesus, i am made perfect in the eyes of God, and so, although i'm the first to admit, i'm nowhere near sorted... I'm also not where i was, and that if God thinks i can do it and he gives me the tools and opportunites, who am i (or even you?) to say he's wrong?! I'm thinking outloud, but i know God's refining me, and thats not down to my deeds or gifting, but down to his immesurable grace.... and i don't know about you, but thats enough for me.

"look at me, I'm a princess..."

Today i went round to my friend's, Katie and Dave's, for tea and "a play" with their very funny, and very energetic kids, Jacob (who's 5 and is actually a child genius) and Erin (who's 3 going on 35, and is the biggest flirt in the world). I had a great time chatting to Katie, who is just one of those people i wish i was more like, and ticking the kids, inbetween reading Jacob a book about trains (he's obsessed), making krispy cakes with cherrios instead, playing our new falling over game and generally having the kind of fun you can only have when surrounded by the very small.

After tea, Erin decided to show me her dancing, which involved her twirling around the room in her "pretty dress" (her favorite activity of the moment is getting changed into different "pretty" clothes) waving her hands in the air and giggling to MaryMary classics and "never smile at a croccodile". Normally i have to join in, but today as i watched her and told her she was very good, she stopped, grinned at me and declared,

"look at me Beth, I'm a princess!"

I grinned back and told her that yes, she was a princess, and prayed that she'd never forget it.
As she carried on dancing, i thought about how self assured this gorgeous litle blonde girl was, about how she never doubted herself, that she giggled with joy and not self conciousness, that she saw no problem whatsoever in flashing her knickers to the world and enjoying every day as it comes. She never worries that she's unloved and in return, loves everyone back, not worrying about guarding herself incase she gets hurt. Erin turned to katie earlier, whe she told her that i was coming for tea and said, "yay, i love beth. beth loves me doesnt she mummy!?" in a way that showed that she didn't doubt me for a second, just wanted to show off how much she was loved. To Erin, nothing is impossible.

God's been quitely speaking to me recently about being child-like, and although i'm not looking at flashing my knickers regularly, i want to learn to be more like Erin. To live in the knowledge of knowing that i am the daughter of THE king, to believe that i am a princess, even when i'm in my scruffy jeans and hoodie. That no matter how scuffed and battered i get, he will always love me and so what have i got to lose?

Isn't it great when you get really excited about something???!

One of the big ways that God pointed me back towards Gurl was that it really excites me (even when i'm bored and can't be bothered!) It's so easy to get bogged down in the marshyness of it all being too scary, but God just reminds me sometimes to get off my bum and do stuff. I've been so lazy recently, not being motivated to do anything, but i'm realising that i've got to be disciplined with it- even when i don't feel like getting out of bed.

Tomorrow i'm teaching small people to dance, high school musical stylee! it's going to be great! (i hope.. things don't get to be rubbish when you're getting paid!!!)

anyway i must sleep, blog properly soon xxx

I promise i haven't forgotten, life's just been abit busy without anything to write about recently!!

Hope to see you all soon xx

ENFP... sounds like a sports network...

According to www.mypersonality.info, this is me! about 12 months ago, Matthius Littlium (everyones getting harry potter names tonight, its 2.30am!) had us all do these tests, and i'm sure i wasn't a ENFP, so either i've changed, or my memories have! I think, according to this thing, i've got nicer and stopped being so mean to people, which is abit worrying- i hope i haven't gone soft!! We'll see at the next space if i've turned into a pushover event manager!! :( i quite enjoy kickin ass for jesus sometimes!!!!!!!!

But interestingly, musical, interpersonal and intrapersonal are my "mulitple intelligences"- and not hugely surprised that maths isn't, when i can only just do the moderate sudoku's in the telegraph!! I thought i'd be higher verbally than kinestheltically, but then again, when i run out of words, i tend to dance. I'm abit shy with it though, so your unlikely to see my pray through dancing about unless you know me reeeeeeeeeeally well or not at all (and so i don't care what you think!) Strange that, how you let others perception limit you because you don't want to cause a scene. maybe i am going soft....


but for now, i need to try and figure out how to make the pig noise heidi does... she's only 1 and she's better than me already at things!!! so, in the words of heidi earlier tonight... *whispers* goodnight.

I'm pretty fit for 60 and a diet of rhubarb...

Today we turned 60. My church for the last 19 years of my life had a major shindig over the weekend too celebrate, and it was great.

I'm still thinking and praying about what to do church wise now i'm back in the pool, and i love this place, the people are my family (even the ones who aren't related to the taylor/lake mafia!) but i really struggle with it too. Stuck in a rut would be another way of describing this place, but it's got such potential. Their ideas of evangelism may be stuck back in the 80's but maybe, just maybe, stayings what i should do. It's a huge debate, which won't fit here, but nowhere else do i get hugged, climbed by many small children, slapped playfully (but painfully) by my mates, and loved by our chummy old people. Hopefully, i'll be at the 100 year anniversary too!

Maybe i just like rhubarb....

anyone got any bluetac?

Sometime's life is just flipping hard.

So if you get a chance, please pray for me, the girl with the struggling personal, proffesional and financial life.


Ta.

(and now i'm gonna write a different post!)

heart pouring time...

well hello.

I haven't posted for a little while, not due to forgetfulness, but more to not feeling like i had anything important enough to say. Thing is, i very rarely have anything of value to say, i just waffle, occasionally in an amusing way, and if i didn't waffle the majority of the time, nothing of value would ever appear amongst. So i'll just waffle and hope the gems are somewhere inside the batter.

The last few days have been spent chilling with friends every evening, stopping me being lonely in this slightly scary, empty house. We watched little miss sunshine tonight, a film i'd been wanting to see for far far too long- and i enjoyed it even more than i expected. everything i want in a film (apart from some amazing musical numbers, but even i would possibly get slightly annoyed with people bursting into song in every film!) Even the subject matter was close to my heart, with the image that is forced upon girls sometimes- nothing angers me like that!

I'm not an activist for the "skinny is bad" camp in anyway shape or form- thats just hypocritical when you own size zero clothes, but the forced image for everyone to be one way or another is the problem. Girls are catty beings, especially when they're insecure, and i know that when i feel intimidated, i'll notice her imperfections to attept to fill the gaping insecurities i have myself- but as everyone knows, dragging others down does nothing to help you or them.
All through my school years i was insecure about the way i looked, and i had friends who would try and justify themselves by knocking me down about certain things, because i was thin, pointing out my less than ample cleavage to try and make themsleves feel better in their heads.
This need for Justification is something we all struggle for, whilst searching for acceptance and love. The amazing thing is, we have all the justification and acceptance we could ever need in God, and the love jesus shows us daily is something we just cant deny- we have no need to try and find justification in others eyes when God's just crying out to us for him to fill the gap, to give us a sense of worth and understanding.

Around us we need people who will love us and accept us for who we are, and that's something we strive to be with Gurl, to show girls that it doesn't matter if you're curvy or thin, a size 6 or 16, that God thinks you're amazing and he want's to get to know you, and so do we. We all need other people to love us, and keep us accountable when we're doing stupid stuff, and hopefully gurl can be apart of that.

Let's see girls lives changed, not by eating disorders and rejection and self harm, but by a loving and powerful father, who calls us to love, real love, and to look to him for all our needs.

"prawns for HOW much???"

girls.... they're a weird species aren't they??

Over the last few days i've started looking into what GURL should be, where God wants it to be, who it's for and how does this crazy vision thing actually happen outside of mine and the Hazza's brain.

One day i'll post the vision statement (probably after i've tried and failed to make it sound just right, and will have passed it onto Mel to PR it properly for me!) But a huge part of what we want to do is get alongside teenage girls and show them the beauty God's put inside them, to invest and help others to invest in these girls.
Part of what i feel God's nudging me to do is get on researching and writing Gurl- The Course, having a resource that we (and potentially others) and use to approach the issues that face girls, specifically during their teenageish years.
I've just started looking at my 1st topic as such, with the preliminary title of, "To love and be Loved", looking at relationships. So far, there's 4 strands within this-

• Male/female relationships- Life, love and all the nitty gritty that exists in dating or not dating, flirting and all that stuff.
• Parent relationships(or the lack of)- getting on with parents, why they're there (or why they aren't) , being a daughter, when the family thing breaks down and all that, and more.
• Sister sister (Girl friendships)- looking at the good stuff and the bad, jealousy, bitching, gossip, and building each other up, fun and encouragement.
• God realtionship- how that works (if you want it to) how to build a good god relationship etc.

Whilst thinking bout this stuff, the girl friendship stuff really got me thinking. Our girl mates are so important in life!! For years i've always been abit of "one of the lads" in some ways. My best mate for the last 4 years or so has been a Boy, and being the only girl of my year in church stuff (Infact, being the only one not called DAN!) has led me to always think there wasn't a huge difference, but i'm so wrong!!

Today, i had the privilege of having a fab "Girly Lunch" with 6 other beautiful, amazing women who i am blessed to call friends. Just the joy of funny chats and giggles, shopping without having to worry about time or people getting bored, and the general support of really really GOOD friends, was just a great experience.

I think back over the last years of knowing these girls, and think of all amazing times of encouragement, crazy opportunities (like starting refuge with Maz, Amz and Rach), and the sheer joy of being able to pray through life with these girls. But alongside that is the hurt and paranoia thats existed between us at times and i just thank God that our friendships have survived. I LOVE that i can be myself and thats ok, and thats my heart for our gurl's groups, that through friendship and fun stuff and exploring the course together, that the girl's will be able to support each other in the way that we've ended up trying to do.

So Kler, Katie, Maria, Joy, Amy and my lovely lovely Rach, I love you guys- and I pray that through all our time together, you'll be spurred on to continue loving God, knowing that he created you to be the woman that you are, and that he thinks you're more beautiful than anything else.

B xxx

We are Dreamgirls.... or make that DreamGurls...

Sometimes, God just blows me off my feet.

(although he hasn't literally, yet.)

The last month or so has been rather confusing, not really knowing if i'm coming or going with my life. I've been coming to the end of what i'd agreed to do for the people i work for in manchester and i was at that, ok what next??! stage. Staying doing what i was doing was not what i wanted to do, even if thats what work wanted, but there were a few interesting options flying about. The best was abit of a surprise to me, something that i barely enquired about and suddenly it seemed to all be abit serious. But on paper, it was what i'd been wanting to do for a while, what i trained to do- sing, dance and tell young people about jesus. There was just two problems.

a) Something just didn't feel totally right.

b) it was on the other side of the country. as in properly on the other side (at least i wouldn't miss the sea!)

As much as a prayed and read and chatted to people, things still seemed abit cloudy, which is great for apple juice, bad for my mind. But the vision i'd had almost a year back with my gorgeous mate, Harriet, kept popping back into my mind. All the time, things kept pointing back to Girls, and the vision we'd had for GURL (thats another post sometime!)
I realised the one thing that really got me het up was girls being told they should be this or that, girls having no self esteem, girls not realising their true worth and beauty.
The vision for gurl was something we both really felt God laid on our hearts, and my amazing, challenging boyfriend, gave me a kick without realising it and told me to get on with it then!! SO i'm flipping scared, coz this thing doesn't exist, which means i don't know where i'll live, how i'll live and whats going on, but i'm pretty sure this is what God wants me to do. And that means turning this other stuff down but hey- God's plans are definately the best!!!

So here's to gurl- God, it's all yours......


B xx

Baltimore and me...and zach Effron....

As you may or may not know, i'm abit of a musical theatre geek.

Make that a MAJOR musical theatre geek.

I just love it, you can't beat a wonderful musical, making the world right through abit of song and dance- ahh just puts a smile on your face!!

So yesterday i went to see Hairspray at the cinema with two blokey friends, who surprisingly quite enjoyed it. I LOVED IT! i had to stop dancing in my seat, it was soo good. Really made me miss doing musicals though, i'm going to need to find a way to scratch that itch i think! But Go see it, it's brilliant! Can't wait for the DVD now!

Enjoying being back home at the moment, having big lie ins and seeing the family and all my old mates. I'd missed being around people who know me so well i can just be me and they think nothing of it!

heading the pub tonight... see you there??

Bx

Take Take Take it all...

So, today i decided to write a blog.

Not sure if i'll tell anyone about this just yet, there's something quite intrieguing about talking into space, with the possibility that everyone or no-one could ever read it. Potentially, you, as the person reading this, could be my boss, my best friend, my worst enemy or a person i'll never ever meet. I just don't know.

I like that.

So right now, i'm sat alone on a white sofa, with a white mac (thinking i should have worn a white top to finish the look) typing into space, enjoying the fact that all i have to think about for the next few minutes is if i should have thought of a better blog title. The best i ever heard was stolen long ago by an old friend (&othershortstories, if details like that interest you, like they do me) but that made me think, and so i hit upon "the many adventures of". I still have a love for Nancy Drew, (i may have to find my old books tomorrow), and i always wanted to be her, so this is possibly the closest i'll get right now to that whole adventurous lifestyle.
Being honest though, i think i have a fairly exciting life. I live by faith, being that i don't have a job, i just work for random charities and trust that God will provide (which he does!) I live between two cities and i'm considering adding a third next month, which is an interesting prospect seeing as i don't pay anyone rent. And as much as sometimes, i'd love the normal life someday, with a mortgage and 2.4 children, with a good career, the degree from a top uni that everyone wanted me to get, and all that shabang- I LOVE living the jesus life. It's not comfortable, but its exciting (I must remind myself that when i'm sat in an office getting annoyed at administration!!!!!)


My hopes for this blog though, i guess everything needs a purpose. Well it means i can chat out what i'm thinking, and i can explore what God's saying to me, i'm a talk it out person, even when its in my head- i guess thats not a bad thing.
Last year when i was doing my evangelism training thing, a very wise woman with very red hair talked about how God made you the way you are and so it's ok to be you. I'm gonna try that out here, stop worrying about what others think and just see what happens.

So here's to us......


B x